Ischbel Blog

In all honesty, my marriage has been on a bit of a rollercoaster lately. My unhappiness and determination to change it have been accompanied by mood swings and mood swings ultimately have a consequence. At last things have begun to stabilise. I am married to someone who undoubtedly has Aspergers syndrome like my son. I have read a great deal about aspergers marriages and the different landscape they present. I know of at least two other couples with this situation. The first is yo yo ing and in marriage guidance, the second I thought was idyllic but discovered that this great inspiration and hope had been seperated for six months. Please let this not happen to me. I am hopeful....

Well, after dropping B at school, went to doctors re my utter conviction that I was suffering from terminal cervical cancer. Hugely relieved to discover this is not the case and can look at the world knowing that short of the proverbial bus I have a little longer here. It would have been a huge irony given my summer/Autumn of deep depression. I have never been convinced this way before - tending to believe that if I were trapped in T has gone to look at 6th form colleges this evening with N. Time seems to be hurtling forward. I cannot write long as I am sitting next to Oreo who seems to have developed appalling halitosis - probs from the free sample of organic catfood arriving for B this morning.

my nephew stayed with us last night. My sister in law is sitting her driving test on monday and they are putting her through her final paces in between droppg my nephew of at football academies. Today they came to pick j up and his mother's face was a mask of stress. suddenly my oldest son in ousted from his breakfast and is instructed to print out a map to an away game three times. All the time my brother frets about the time and sends J up the stairs to find out why my son is taking so much time. Completely absorbed in his own stress completely tunnel visioned - his wife absorbs and takes ownership of the transferred stress. This is not fair!

I am a bit worried about my health and seeing the doctor. Otherwise I am ok today. Whatever that means...

N and I went to see Jonathon Coulton last night. It was our first trip out together in a very long time. My God! I sat in a room full of people exactly like B! B is only twelve but so many had beanie hats, long hair and glasses and the older version- the unshaved beard or goatee. One of the support act was wearing a Homestarrunner T shirt of which B is a huge fan and not only were the songs all B's favourites but the cover songs were all from his favourites too. The songs in themselves very funny but strangely poignant. A trip around my son's extraordinary brain! I may upload a photo of Isobel in her honour and memory.

Some fatuous but gratifying achievments: I wore really high heeled boots and survived no sprained ankles. ( Alas ironically today in flat trainers, I slipped on a watermelon skin improbably dropped in the street and grazed my knee!)

more fatuous gratifying details: I have lost six pounds. The gym and swimming finally paying off a little.

I think I'm quite good at teaching! I find children much easier to teach and support these days. what a shame I am such a wash out at maths!
Cat Protection league and RSPCA do not think they have picked up Isobel. Alas I am becoming resigned.

Upset to hear B tell me that some kids have been laughing when he takes off his top in PE. If he trys to defend himself they tell him to F*** off. Also they have been making fun of him in tech saying he is anorexic. He says he isnt bothered when he isnts in their company but I'm not impressed. I was bullied for being thin myself as a child. Its particularly hard to hear him tell me this. He also tells me that a girl with a serious skin complaint and a very large plump boy are ridiculed Of course B has Aspergers syndrome too. THere is enough difference from the norm and also high recognition from staff academically and now he's wearing glasses. Now because he's very thin they are calling him anorexic. Should I intervene? Should I tell the school? I thought this was the era of zero tolerance whenit comes to bullying. None of the blind eye turning that is taken as being complicit fronmthe teachers that I endured. What to do?

I am forlorn that T is down. I don't know how to ascertain the difference between hormones and normal mood swings and teenage depression. I try to talk and listen but despise myself as each truism trips off my tongue. I don't have much positivve experience of being a teen to draw on. In addition, I have struggled myself in past weeks and despite my efforts to be ever cheerful mum, the occasional melancholia has seeped through the seams. Can't be very reassuring.

Still no Isobel.

Yesterday was B's friends eighteenth birthday celebration. It may seem odd that B is 12 and his friend M is 18 but the common factor is Asperger's Syndrome and everyone invited was from their dramatherapy group. First item on the agenda was bowling. M's mum and I had five boys -18,16 and three 12 year olds. Not one boy knew his shoe size when I went to get them bowling shoes. They sat a morose bunch goint through the motions whilst the more neurotypical boys in the next aisle hooted and giggled and yelled. It was interestinng how different the behaviours and how threatened the AS boys were by the rowdiness. Next dinner at Pizza hut - except that pizza hut had closed down and there we were tramping around in the dark with all these boys that need certainty. Everyone wanted chinese but B cannot cope with chinese for sensory reasons. Indian considered but one boy had a bad stomach and was wary of indian. So we go to nandos and everyone is delighted at the choice - no sensory problems and option of no spice for bad stomach. Except that Nandos has a waiting time of forty minutes and we need to be at firework display at eight. So back to Indian and B orders the one indian dish he will consider. M orders vindaloo and goes red in the face trying to cope. Bad stomach boy cannot decide what to drink, coke? fizzy water? tap water? what will affect the stomach? Plain water we say - but its boring - he wouldnt normally drink that - maybe coke - or possibly tonic water. The bemused waiter is consulted and he suggests water - but water is boring - so we are back to coke. Unfortunately it is some time later that we realise this boy has no dish ordered for dinner. Only coke - or possibly tonic water. We tramp off to the fire works and B copes as he has ear plugs. After we are to walk home as the roads are crowded but M whose birthday it is is unhappy - he doesnt feel complete unless everyone is dropped off. Instead of our ten minute walk home we walk for 35 mins to the car. M's mum looks as if she will collapse. we arrive at our stomach boys house but he doesnt realise he must now get out of the car. They talk about the advantages of a window being fitted into the womb of a pregnant woman for a foetus. I hear B say "You havent lived until youve been on fire." Finally we are on our way home. B manfully says goodbye and collapses on sofa.
today I swam 35 lengths of the swimming pool. Isobel has not returned although I dreamt she did last night. Today I saw a tabby cat on a wall and immediatley called into the dark. Alas it was a short haired tabby and not our lovely Iz.

Wekk no Isobel and its November the fifth so not good. I have asked various people and because we live so close to the school all the children and parents are familiar with her. Some even swore they had seen her on the wall as late as yesterday. But I'm unconvinced.

B won the Jack petchey award for his writing! I am so proud it cheered me up because Ive screwed this up at home again by feeling paranoid about the imbalance in our lives - mine seems to involve few fun activities. N's seems an endless round of fun and ego when I am in this mood. Its horrible, like a zoom lens that unpredictably focuses in on random detail and makes it suddenly huge and of immense significance. Curse you Black Dog!

Oh no our lovely Isobel is missing. It is true she can be cantankerous and has an exasperating habit of sometimes spraying the house tomcat style. But she is a beautiful and a character and we are all concerned(except for B - he has his own cat Oreo and it hasnt occurred to him she's not here) Eventually I will have to tell them if she doesnt reappear. Oh Isobel I miss you coming for strokes that could sometimes turn into a rake of claws. Worse, she followed us down the road on Fri and we assured the boys she could get home. N swears he shooed her out of his jumper cupboard on Sat but the rest of us have not seen her. Please come home Isobel.
T left for school in tears this am. He is in his gcse year and has put so much pressure on himself since he decided to try for medicine. Can I convince him that ourlove for him is not measured out in academic grades? He has so many talents and is so compassionate and patient he could be any number of things. I do not want him to become an anxious or depressed person.

I am still not quite finding my way round so if I make mistakes commenting etc. please put it down to incompetence.

Such rain today! I actually love it- all the autumnal colours and the sweet rot ripe smell of the garden wet. Autumn is without doubt my favourite season. I sometimes find myself reciting "Ode to Autumn" in my head as i walk along the pavement.

Tales of my mother in laws madness smoke into the house via relatives. I look at the young cousins and wonder how they process it all. This time she is threatening possible bowel cancer as if to do this will somehow help her break through into satisfying communication with those around her. I hear the anger and resentment of her children and see the damage that it has done to their lives and their mental health. Yet (easy because I am nolonger in the firing line) I have a sneaking sympathy because I too have been in that dark place where she has lived most of her life. I have great love and closeness with my children- they would staunchly defend my fitness as a parent if challenged. She has none of that. Just loneliness and confusion and trapdoors into guilty memories. How sad.

B watched none of the dvds I bought him for Halloween - but rattled of a humorous piece to read to us all in about five minutes. Wow the pace, the drive.